Avoiding the mediocrity trap
Rethinking success for our children
Mediocrity is the state of settling for the middle ground, where e8ort and performance are sufficient but lack the distinction of true excellence. It’s characterized by playing it safe, avoiding failure at the cost of missing out on greatness.
The report card dilemma : a short story.
Imagine a scenario where a child comes home to his parents holding his school report card with an A+ in one subject, A in three others, B’s in two and C in one. Should it be considered a good performance card?
What would be the probable reaction of parents? “How come you get a C and two B’s?!” They introduce an action plan of extra coaching, practice, revision in those three subjects.
First forward a few months and couple of examinations later. The next two report cards come with the same result, despite the new plan. Now the parents begin to worry and double down on those three subjects, especially on the C with significantly more effort and time dedication. The child has to forego all his other engagements, including play, to ensure that he is able to devote time.
The next report card has three A’s (the A+ has become A), two B’s (one of the A has become B) and two C’s (one of the B has become C).There is panic and a sense of worrying urgency to remedy the situation. The child is put under severe timeline schedule, alongside counselling to overcome any learning handicaps. This becomes his routine for the next few years and the results keep hovering around three four A’s, two-three B’s and one-two C’s.
Eventually at the end, after pushing through with full throttle, he graduates with three A’s and four B’s. Did the parents succeed in improving the child’s performance? They ensured there are no C’s!
Why can’t we get a grasp on failure.
The fear of failure is deep rooted in each one of us. We feel that failure in one area equates to overall failure in life. So it is for parents. Parents start fretting and floundering when they see their child’s failure. They just can’t get a hold of the fact that their child is not good at something. Poor, weak, below average, fail, incapable …. these words create panic. In their mind, the least expectation from the child is to be ‘above average’ at everything. As a compromise – at least average! They put in their full e8ort to raise the child’s level or ability. Special time, focus, resources are diverted in that area to prevent a poor performance. There is no consideration of the child’s interest, preference, inherent capability (or handicap). Parents lose sight of the successes. In the story, the A+ was simply overlooked and eventually forgotten. No one ventured further into the A+ as to how he got it, what was special, did he do anything different … To overcome the C’s and B’s, everything was diverted away from the A+ and the A’s. In the face of failure, we lose sight of our successes! In an orchard, if some saplings are weak and struggling, the farmer would tend to them with extra support of water and manure. But the farmer would not divert these from the healthier saplings. He would ensure they get their required nutrients to grow. And beyond a point, he would just let go of the weak sapling … he very well knows that excessive nutrients would also eventually kill it. Why do parents not understand this?
Schools further this drive towards mediocrity.
The education system further amplifies this problem. A student is expected to perform across all subjects. If he fails in one, he is considered an overall failure, even if he is pretty good in the others. They drive the fear of failure to the extent of demonizing it. Special attention is put on the child through parent meetings, counselling, support classes, tuitions, extra homework …. the list can go on. And parents also join along on the same path. Not every child is naturally attuned to every subject. One child may have a natural flair for math but struggle with literature, while another might be an exceptional artist but perform poorly in science. These differences are natural and should be embraced. Why is it so difficult to accept this? Fortunately, there is ray of light with positive changes coming in the education system. Choice of subjects is being offered to students much earlier on, allowing them to drop their handicap subjects. There is resistance though, with many still holding on to the traditional ideals.
The quest for an ideal education and career.
Despite having the option to choose and drop subjects, parents insist on their child pursuing what is considered a glorified education stream and lucrative career path thereon. Different qualification streams have their phases of limelight due to shortage of talent, high paying opportunities or exponential breakthrough growth. Every parent desires their child to join the bandwagon, irrespective of interest and capability. They claim it is for his safety, security, prosperity, success. While it surely could be for those who are genuinely good or interested (ideally passionate) in the domain. Unfortunately, even those who have no inclination, inherent talent, capability are pushed into the same stream. They struggle to stay afloat and even if they somehow survive the education, they end up being mediocre and feeling trapped in their professional pursuit. No wonder we have so many disillusioned adults around … square pegs in round holes!
Would you rather have your child to grow up as a resentful unhappy adult who ticks all the right boxes of ‘success’ by societies standards?Or a passionate happy adult who is proficient in his endeavor and cherishes his life choices?
The approach should be to focus on and build upon the child’s inherent talents with the environment, resources, energy to blossom. Let’s not waste it by being all over the place trying to achieve mediocrity in everything. In today’s world, every domain has infinite possibility and potential. All that is required is a combination of genuine passion, inherent talent and acquired skill – a ‘natural flair’ for it. This mindset alone becomes so relieving for both the parent and the child!
We don’t have to be ‘decent enough’ at everything!
We, human beings, have mastered the art of complicating life by chasing the mirage of allperfect and idealistic. Parents have unreasonable expectations on the child to be at least ‘good enough’ in everything. They too have been conditioned by the society which sets the same standards for adults. Why are we so self-conscious about the things we are not good at or struggle with? Why should we be embarrassed if we cannot cook or drive or dance or play a sport? There are surely some things we can do way better than most others. All it leads to is frustration, unhappiness and sense of ‘lack’ or ‘not good enough’!
The power of ‘letting go’!
In all fairness, an attempt should be made to work upon, strengthen, support any domain the child is struggling with. Many a times, a little bit of leverage can show progress, and bring up the child at par with the normal pace. That’s a positive sign and worth pursuing further. We can continue extending support till a certain level, and then gradually wean it off. The intent is towards the child being able to handle it by self. In many a scenario, despite all the hand-holding and exceptional support, there are no signs of progress. Then it is a clear indication to let it go and focus elsewhere where there is scope for proficiency. Equally important is the interest and inclination of the child. If the child simply desists or has an aversion to a subject, parents should respect such strong preferences and adhere to the same. Quite often just dropping the dead weight makes the journey smoother and faster!
Efficiency and eBectiveness always triumph!
We have a choice :
A. Put in ‘x’ effort on C’s and B’s, where you are struggling, to take it from ‘1y’ level to ‘2y’
B. Put in the same ‘x’ e8ort on A+ and A’s, where you are already talented, and take it from ‘5y’ to ‘10y’ level What would you choose?
Though both are doubling the level, the growth in option A is lesser because the child is struggling with it. So everything is going to be tougher : learning curve, skill development, and perhaps inclination, interest, liking towards it. In contrast, the same e8ort put in option B would give us ‘5y’ growth. It surely is the more effective and e8icient leverage. Since the child is already at a certain proficiency, everything is going to be faster, smoother, easier. And obviously he would be more passionate about it … it’s coming naturally to him. Isn’t it obvious? Let’s provide a nurturing platform to identify our child’s natural gifts and allow him the freedom to choose his true calling. Guide him whilst enabling his natural game to shine through, like a coach. Consciously choose selective proficiency as against overall mediocrity!
As I mention in my book ‘The Parenting Flow’ : “Maybe the Investment Banker need not have struggled with the Chemistry periodic table, or the Doctor need not have split his hair on the Pythagoras theorem! Just maybe!”
Every child has been gifted uniquely for a reason …
to become a beautiful possibility of excellence!
The Parenting Flow #02
This newsletter is a humble attempt towards ‘parenting with awareness’ and raising the young generation to be change makers and thought leaders.
Sanket Dharod
‘The Parenting Flow’ : Parenting with awareness ‘Flow with the Flow’ : Living with awareness
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