Escaping the quicksand of stress
Blossoming every child’s uniqueness
Imagine a bed of quicksand – an unassuming bed of loose sand and mud mixed with water, seemingly stable at first glance, but deceptively sucks any object deeper. Stress is a similar trap we enter innocently, unaware of the vicious circle, which keeps drowning us deeper.
Comparison is the seed of this lifelong journey. Every parent becomes a parent for the first time. How do they know if they are doing it right? The obvious question is ‘compared’ to what? They look for validation by seeking help from elders, pediatricians, parenting books, online forums, social media … Growth charts and development milestones are presented as benchmarks, oJering an ‘average’ or ‘median’ standard to measure the child’s progress. The intent is to use it as an indicative guideline, and to raise an alarm for outlier scenarios, in case of a need for medical intervention. Parents, out of good intention and genuine care, become constantly stressed for this ‘normal’ growth of their baby. Often this escalates to concern, worry and panic if their baby is not hitting the milestones ‘on time’ for any of these parameters. This spirals into further hyperfocus on tracking every minute progress.
Data overload begins the stress saga. We come across more information, instances, content, interaction of the topic which is on top of our mind. You can call it serendipity, but it magically happens … we attract more of what we are seeking! Parents undergo the same phenomenon : other similar age babies being within the normal range, unlike their little one. Suddenly everything becomes critical : crawling, turning, standing, sounds, first syllables, eye movement, food intake, sleep, excretion … it becomes like a scientific observation of data points. Overwhelming to handle, too much data can cause confusion and mental fog, leading to incorrect deductions. Herein begins the stress journey of parents.
Parents have the urge to aid, assist, guide, monitor, push. A child’s development is a very evolutionary process and nature intended it so. It has to go through its gradual progression : physical, cognitive, emotional, sensorial – all hand-in-glove enriching and being enriched by each other! Yet it is diJicult for parents to be accepting of their child’s unique growing up milestones and timelines, whenever he is ready. To ensure ‘normal’ development, parents feel this urge to extend help and support to accelerate areas wherever the child is ‘behind schedule’. They do not realize that influencing it externally and forcibly hastening it adds to the child’s stress. It could disturb, hinder, or even harm his progress instead.
The social arena : from comparison to competition.
Let’s move beyond the family. Every parent seeks their child to mingle, be recognized and stand out in a social setting. They are under constant surveillance mode to see how their child is doing ‘compared to’ each as well as the collective group. This further gets serious with ‘casual’ competitions : sporting events, debates, talent shows ... It’s the human urge to distinguish and rank society in order of proficiency in everything conceivable. So we have winners, follow-ons and losers! These labels bear a very heavy weight for parents, and the burden inadvertently has to be shared by the child. He has to take responsibility for doing better by putting in hard work, learning the skills and displaying them for better performance. The beginning of direct stress for the child.
The National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) reports that 20–25% of children in elementary school face school-related stress, which can manifest as behavioral issues, difficulty learning, or withdrawing socially.
Schools join the party with examinations. The competition starts getting serious with schools bringing in their flavor of diJerentiation. Schools need to have a process of evaluation about the eJectiveness of their role in imparting education. So examinations are introduced to test the knowledge of the students. This has to be graded to identify the gaps in each child’s conceptual understanding. But it doesn’t stop there – they go further with pass or fail, grades, ranks, percentile. Exams become a benchmark of intelligence, rankings become a reflection of worth, and children are thrust into a system that values results over the learning process itself. They are supposed to do better, ace the test, improve their grades and come out a ‘topper’. Parents feel a compulsive need to have the same expectation and further try to influence externally through study time, tuitions, revisions. The stress is gradually shifting more to the child. Expectations cannot be always met, and only one can be a topper! Not sure where schools are in sharing the burden of all this stress?
The bar raises significantly in high school. The youngster is now barraged with subject selection, profile building, university applications, competitive entrance tests, final board examinations, undergrad course choices … each equally critical. Parents and schools are collectively pressurizing him – of course, for his better future and secure life ahead! The competition is intense, expectations are sky high, a lot is at stake and the teenager has to navigate through it all by himself.
Immense peer pressure and negative peer (as well as social media) influence are exerting their own force. These are times of anxiety, burnout, depression; further aggravated by hormonal changes. The stage is all set for the final push into a quicksand of stress.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), academic pressure contributes to rising rates of anxiety and depression, with approximately 32% of adolescents suffering from anxiety disorders and 13% from major depressive disorders.
Parents let the youth out in the real world. It does not end here. This quicksand of stress keeps growing and sucking the youth in, all through the rest of his life to adulthood and old age. College graduation, job placements, financial independence, career, promotion, marriage and children … Our youth are growing up in an environment of scarcity where only a few can be ‘winners’ and ‘toppers’. They are under intense scrutiny, insecurity, self-doubt. It’s an incessant pressure to perform and show up at their best (not natural self). This culture has seeped into our lives, be it family, friends, social, professional, everywhere. The cycle of stress turns full circle when they become parents themselves! Why are we doing this to our kids? And to ourselves? Everyone is getting engulfed into it deeper and deeper till the very end of life. Even those at the top are not spared … a glimpse into their true lives will share a contrarian reality of immense stress and anxiety just to stay where they are. How is all this helping human progress for our subsequent generations?
The magic mantra is ‘unconditional acceptance’. Every individual is unique and there are simply no photocopies. Nature intended it so and nature knows best! We need to individually and collectively change our narrative and imbibe this mindset deep down to the very core in each of our children. Gracefully accept each child as he is … our bundle of love, with his own unique personality, traits, natural talents, frailties and imperfections. Liberate him from the internal conditioning that ‘he has to be a topper, winner, champion to make his parents proud, else …’ There cannot be any conditions or pre-requisites for our child to feel loved and cared for. It has to be absolute total acceptance!
Celebrate individuality and build on it. Every child is born with a unique combination of inherent talents, personality, creativity, thoughts and feelings. Give them the platform to truly surface and bloom into their full glory. Set him free to perceive the universe and express himself with his own canvas. Don’t belittle his individuality by comparing against anybody else. Isn’t it absurd to judge a bird by its swimming or a fish by its flying? Equally absurd is defining the child’s sense of worth through outperforming others. His one and only comparison or competition should be with himself. Encourage him to keep raising the bar set by himself and see him soar higher.
Redefine success by encouraging curiosity and exploration. Babies are naturally joyful, creative and inquisitive. As they grow, we adults meddle and mess it all up in the name of teaching and raising the child. Given complete freedom of space and time to do as they desire, children would grow and develop way better, finer, happier. All it requires is no interference and letting them just be. Eventually every child learns his ABC’s and 123’s – some a little sooner, some a bit later. Don’t burden his learning with the pressure of performance. Encourage his curiosity, imagination, creativity to explore the world through his own lens. We would raise happier, fulfilled, selfevolved adults as the next generation. The true definition of success!
The Child Mind Institute reports that children who receive strong emotional support from parents are 60% less likely to develop stress-related mental health issues later in life.
Demonstrate healthy emotion and stress management.
Children pick up on their parents’ emotional states – nature has endowed them with this superpower. If you’re constantly stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, your child will likely mirror those emotions. Model healthy stress management by prioritizing self-care, mindfulness, and balance in your own life. Recognize early signs of stress, anxiety, burnout in your child and make mental health a priority. Be mindful of any pressure through extracurricular activities, academic performance, or social expectations. Encourage open conversations about feelings and emotions which he is undergoing and acknowledge that each one of them is valid. Give your child the space to breathe, grow, and thrive!
A Harvard University research shows that children who grow up in low-stress environments experience more optimal brain development, with higher levels of neuroplasticity and increased cognitive flexibility, which enhances their problem-solving abilities by 25%. The Journal of Happiness Studies reported that individuals who experienced a stress-free childhood were 50% more likely to develop long-term emotional well-being and resilience, leading to happier, more fulfilling adult lives.
It has been proven that a happy, relaxed, vibrant environment brings out our natural best, giving us an avenue to express our inherent talents and preferences. And the world needs more of these rather than by-products of a rat race! Create this nourishing world and just let them blossom beautifully. There can be no stopping each one of them from being a winner and a topper. They will all be running their individual races, standing on profound ground of happiness and carefree self-expression. Unleashing their ‘Creative Genius’! Elevate your child’s uniqueness and individuality … rescue him from the quicksand of stress!
The Parenting Flow #03
This newsletter is a humble attempt towards ‘parenting with awareness’ and raising the young generation to be change makers and thought leaders.
Sanket Dharod
‘The Parenting Flow’ : Parenting with awareness ‘Flow with the Flow’ : Living with awareness
https://serenestrokes.com/books/
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